Depression

Depression. I feel it just reading the word on any given day but right now I am it.

I am an open book. But this is a topic I struggle to give voice to because the very nature of depression is to close you off. It convinces you nobody will listen, nobody really gives a shit what you say so why bother. Why burden people with your bullshit? They have their own shit to deal with. You’re so selfish, just stop.

I had my third (and final) baby on October 1st, 2015. She’s gorgeous. She’s perfect. She’s a goddamned goddess. My postpartum anxiety I had after my second child came back full swing within the first two weeks. I know how to deal with you well, anxiety. We are not strangers, sadly. So I do my coping. I deep breathe. I confide in my loved ones. I sometimes just survive and sometimes thrive. Mostly, I continue one foot in front of the other, making sure I remember to take care of me, too. It’s been slowly dissipating… fading… I start feeling more like the me I know and love… a breath of fresh air… and BOOM. My daughter, in her teething and thirst for independence, decides to cut back on nursing.

It seems a silly thing, I’m sure, for those who have never breastfed to feel depression from weaning a baby, right? I would agree if it hadn’t happened to me before. This is the third baby I’ve weaned and the third bout of PPD or postpartum depression I’ve experienced. How can I have PPD? My daughter is 14 months old. She’s not even considered an infant anymore.

It’s not uncommon for PPD to wait until after weaning to show up and that’s why I’m sharing this. Depression sucks and it can seemingly come out of nowhere sometimes. My hormones are telling my brain that I’m unhappy with things (even though I’m not) so I cry, for hours on end sometimes, for no reason. Or I feel indifferent sometimes. Sometimes I feel overly excited as a distraction. The most important thing is that I stay mindful. I’ve been down this road twice before and I’ll go down it again, this time better equipped. So when I have those thoughts I mentioned already, ‘nobody really gives a shit’, ‘why bother’, ‘just stop’, etc, I know they are the disease and not me. In my first experience with PPD, I didn’t know it wasn’t me. I went to a pretty dark place before I finally reached out. I want to help other mothers before they follow my first footsteps with PPD.

So. If you’re in your first year postpartum, or nearing the end of your breastfeeding relationship with your child regardless of their age, be aware of the signs of PPD. And if you happen to be one of the 1 in 7 women who will experience a postpartum mood or anxiety disorder, you’re in good company. I’m going through it, too. And I know I’m still pretty kickass, no matter what PPD may say.

A last note to all mothers: cut yourself some slack. It’s funny that depression is such a similar word to depressurize. We all could use some depressurizing, so let’s collectively do that. Mommin’ ain’t easy, yo. ❤

Blog titles and busy weeks.

It seems like everyone these days has a blog and I wanted one too, so here we are! My life has reached a point where I’m finally feeling comfortable in my own skin more out of necessity than willful self-discovery. As a mother of three, I don’t have time to overthink my appearance or the judgment of others and it’s done wonders for my self esteem. Instead, I overthink about ways I could probably mess up my children by the time they’re 18, and if you’re also a parent you know exactly what I’m talking about. 

So, a little more about me. I’m elatedly married. Yes, I make words up when no current words are fitting. I love my husband to bits; he’s my BFFF, mate of my soul, peanut butter to my pancake (don’t knock it ’til you try it), etc. Lurrrv him. He works insanely hard so I can stay-at-home-parent insanely hard. He’s a crazy talented video maker person (videographer, cinematographer, producer… never quite sure what’s the most fitting) so our home movies are pretty kickass. Starring in those home movies are our aforementioned three kids, two kitties, and six chickens.

Non-Newtonian substances are awesome!

Our first son is eight, and he’s from a previous relationship of mine. His dad and bonus mom are wonderful people. It took a few awkward years of co-parenting before I reached the conclusion that our son won the parenting lottery. Four parents who all would do anything for him. He’s a lover of Legos, Minecraft, and all things science-y. This week, we pulled him out of public school in favor of homeschooling. He had been struggling with maintaining his attention in class as he is a kinesthetic/tactile learner. His curiosity is insatiable at times. “Why?” is his most common question. “Because I said so.” doesn’t answer all the questions anymore. So we find out together. It’s been an educational and eventful week and my brain hurts.


Testing for his CDL.


Our second son is 29 months and the main reason we are tired. From birth he’s kept us on our toes. He was a full term baby yet went to the NICU. He then had sleep apnea for a few months due to reflux. For the last 13 months, he’s had febrile seizures every time he has a fever over 99. Eventually we will own a wing of the children’s hospital, probably. He’s taking after his big brother with his curiosity, though. He is our rebel tinkerer, always thinking outside the box. He also has a very kind and sensitive heart like his brother, at the end of the day he always kisses his baby sister “nigh nigh”.


The wheels are turning!


Our youngest, and only daughter, is 11 months. She is a spitfire of an infant. She knows what she wants and when she wants it, and most often the what is Mommy and the when is all of the times. Her hashtag is #allofthemommy. Or maybe #handsoffmymommy because her brothers and Daddy clearly are overstepping their bounds. She loves all things soft, but she also loves Thomas the Train. Today she crawled to the Lego Duplos at the book fair so I have high hopes that I may have three tinkering, science-minded children. As a nerd, this makes me a proud mama!

Finding all sorts of treasures!

Like I said, this was our first week of homeschooling our would-be third grader, and what a full week it’s been! We went geocaching three days in a row. We met up with other homeschooling families at the library and checked out a book. We also took a field trip to the children’s museum. We learned about pollinators and GPS coordinates, life cycles of butterflies and talked about philosophy. My oldest said something profound this week. He said, “the world isn’t made for kids. It’s only made for adults.” And if you place yourself in his shoes, he’s right. I’m hoping to open opportunities for him through homeschooling and to give him freedoms he’d otherwise not have access to. Here’s hoping we have many more unschooled weeks ahead of us both. 

The miniature grocery store at the children’s museum is adorable!

Thanks for stopping by. If it wasn’t entertaining or educational, I hope it at least made you smile.❤